During this difficult time, getting all of the proper traditional items together can be hard. Learn more about appropriate funeral etiquette and view our digital Mourner’s Kaddish, all in one place for your convenience.
Click below to explore funeral etiquette essentials.
This section covers essential steps such as caring for the deceased, assigning a guardian, and ensuring the deceased is dressed appropriately for burial.
The holy act of preparing the deceased for burial begins by bathing and dressing the deceased with care and respect, according to traditional Jewish law (halachah). Jewish tradition commands that no natural or chemical agents are used to preserve the deceased. However, if the burial is to be delayed, embalming may be required and/or required by some local laws. Our staff will honor your wishes and open to performing embalming if requested. Every family should choose the rite and traditions that feel right to them. Jewish tradition includes chevra kadisha, that translates to “holy society”. It refers to a group of Jewish volunteers who prepare the deceased for burial, and perform final rites for Jewish people with which you are most comfortable.
Customarily, a Jewish body is not left alone before burial. A shomer/shomeret, part of our Ralph Schugar team, can be engaged to watch over the deceased, often while reciting psalms. Although family members may be willing to serve in this role, it is not necessary that the shomer/shomeret know the deceased person (though it is considered best if he or she is Jewish).
Jewish tradition urges that the funeral and burial take place within twenty-four hours of the death out of respect for the dead, as the body begins decomposition immediately upon death. In modern times, however, we can delay this process to enable family coming from far away to make arrangements and arrive in time for the funeral, or for other extenuating circumstances, such as the time it may take to obtain burial permits where local laws require them.
A traditional burial will include dressing the deceased in a plain white shroud (tachrichin) and a traditional untreated wooden casket that has no metal parts. Other than the shroud, the only item that may be buried along with the deceased according to Jewish law is a tallit (prayer shawl) with one of its corner fringes (tzitzit) cut. The tzitzit are removed because the deceased cannot fulfill the mitzvot. (The Bibilical basis for the tzitzit is in the book of Numbers 15:38 where it is written, “Speak to the Israelite people and instruct them to make for themselves fringes (i.e. tzitzit) on the corners of their garments throughout the ages…look at it and recall all the commandments and observe them…”) These rules enable a natural returning of the body to the earth and emphasize the irrelevance of wealth and stature in death. Some families prefer to dress their loved ones in the deceased’s favorite clothing. At times, for sentimental reasons, a family may wish to include photographs or personal items in the casket. Many Reform communities are amenable to these modern practices. It is also a tradition to include a bag of earth from the Land of Israel in the casket, based on the tradition that it is a great honor to be buried in the land of Israel. Ralph Schugar is here to help families make the most appropriate choice and we have many options to choose from.
This section covers essential steps such as honoring the deceased with specific actions, conducting funeral prayers and burial rites, filling the grave, and placing stones on the headstone or marker.
Though recognizing that an individual’s impact extends beyond his/her closest family, the Jewish definition of a “mourner” includes only first-degree relatives—parents, children, siblings, and spouses. These are the people bound to the obligations of mourners under Jewish law and tradition.
It is customary for mourners to send donations as tzedakah to a charity favored by the deceased. The family of the deceased might indicate in an obituary notice which specific charity they would like donations to be sent. If flowers are sent, the bereaved family may ask the funeral director to donate them to a hospital or nursing home following the funeral and burial.
If desired, a rabbi or cantor will lead the funeral prayers and deliver a eulogy. The service can take place in our beautiful chapel, can take place in a synagogue, can take place in alternative locations and can also be performed graveside. Some families’ choice is to hold a private ceremony while others want to hold a community wide funeral or to use technology to live stream the services around the globe. Ralph Schugar can also lead the funeral prayers or help arrange to find an appropriate officiant. In order to prepare for these tasks, we will wish to meet with family members before the funeral, either at our funeral home, at a private home or at the synagogue.
The eulogy (Greek for “nice words” or “praise”) or hesped (Hebrew for “beating the breast”) is among the most important elements in a funeral service. It should offer praise but not excessive praise, evoke the deceased’s essential qualities and virtues, passions, interests and hobbies, community involvements and contributions, and the names of the most important family members and closest friends should be noted. It should reflect as well what the deceased would want to say to his/her children, grandchildren, and friends, as a summary of his/her life. The hesped is expected to evoke honestly the character and nature of the deceased.
Both traditional and modern readings are read by clergy at the funeral service and include passages from the book of Psalms (16, 23, 37, 90, 103, 121, and 144). The memorial prayer (Eil Maleh Rachamim) includes the Hebrew name of the deceased and affirms that the soul of the departed has been gathered unto God. The Mourner’s Kaddish is said at graveside.
The funeral service is enhanced by having the cantor or rabbi sing psalms, other appropriate music and the traditional Eil Maleh Rachamim. Other musical selections should be arranged with the clergy or mortuary. Mortuaries may also be able to recommend a service for creating a video remembrance of the departed that can be shown at the funeral.
The casket is closed before Jewish funeral services begin for two reasons; one is out of respect for the deceased, that he/she should not be viewed as an object; and the other is that once the funeral service begins, the process of mourning also begins. Mourning the loss of a loved one is very painful. Yet, the pain is a necessary aspect of the mourning and should not be delayed in any way.
There are many options available to mourners when planning a funeral. As a general rule those who plan their own funerals or that of a loved one after death should not spend any more money than is necessary for a dignified funeral and burial. However, even doing so funeral services can be expensive. For anyone in need, Ralph Schugar will provide funerals at reduced or in some cases no fee and will professionally provide a Jewish funeral to all regardless of financial means.
There is nothing more tragic and painful than the death of a child. We are prepared to help make arrangements and provide emotional support when families are in need.
It is a tradition to choose six or eight people excluding the immediate mourners who were close to the deceased to serve as pallbearers to help carry and escort the casket from the funeral service to the gravesite. In addition, honorary pallbearers may also be chosen. There is a tendency to choose only men for this honor, but there is no religious reason that women should not be equally considered.
Tearing a garment or ribbon is a tradition of ancient origin signifying that the individual is a first order relative of the deceased. If mourners would like to rip a garment in the traditional manner (e.g., a shirt or sweater) for k’riah, then they should wear that article to the funeral (with appropriate garments underneath, for the sake of modesty). Instead of tearing one’s clothing, one can wear a black ribbon (provided by Ralph Schugar) to tear for k’riah. This custom is reserved for immediate mourners (i.e., spouse, parent, child, and sibling). The garment/ribbon is torn before burial and the saying of the Mourner’s Kaddish. One tears and says:
Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha-olam dayan ha-emet.
Praised are You, Adonai our God, Ruler of the universe, the true Judge.
The k’riah garment/ribbon is worn over the right breast by the spouse, parents and siblings, and over the heart by children of the deceased. It is worn every day during the shiva period (seven days) but not on Shabbat or holy days. If other Jewish holidays intervene during shiva the period of mourning is reduced.
This prayer is a defiant declaration of faith and is often necessary for mourners at the time of the loss of their loved ones when there is a tendency to deny God’s presence and goodness. There is no mention of death in this prayer. Rather, it affirms God’s Name as manifest in every place and at every instant, even at our darkest moments of loss, anger, fear, despair, and confusion. It expresses our obligation to nurture a world that is filled with holiness. Mourners proclaim the Kaddish as the body of their loved ones is interred in the earth. The prayer is written in Aramaic using Hebrew letters, the colloquial language of Jews during Talmudic times.
At the conclusion of the service the casket is physically lowered into the grave in the presence of the mourners, a heart-wrenching moment. However, witnessing this act promotes the acceptance of the finality of death. The family begins the burial by placing earth either by hand or by a shovel as a final act of kindness for the deceased who can no longer care for him/herself. There is a custom of mourners and attendees filling the entire grave as an act of respect for the deceased. While in some cases and at some cemeteries this tradition is followed, it is not always possible. When possible, it is best to discuss this with your clergy in advance of the funeral. There is also a custom that the first person who places earth on a grave turns the shovel upside down. This act reflects the deep reluctance a loved one feels to perform this mitzvah. Customarily three handfuls or shovels of earth are the minimum per person. If using a shovel, the person placing earth returns the shovel to the earth and not directly to the next mourner signifying that he/she has performed the complete mitzvah in burial. The tradition of pouring a bag of earth from Israel is also common. All are welcome to perform the mitzvah of burial.
Marking a grave with stones was customary in Biblical times before the adoption of gravestones and markers. The oldest graves in the Old Cemetery in Safed are piles of rocks with a more prominent rock bearing an inscription. In Pittsburgh cemeteries it is common to see rocks and small stones on graves.
Although it not customary in some Jewish traditions to leave flowers at a grave after visiting. This practice is done – especially at memorial parks- in ground vases at the gravesite are designed to hold flowers. It is believed to be more appropriate to give money to charity that could otherwise be spent on flowers. In addition – cut flowers eventually die, but stones are enduring and do not die.
Formerly the tradition of placing stones might have been to insert notes into crevices in the grave marker. This tradition may be related to the practice of placing notes in the Western Wall in Jerusalem. Letters may have been formerly written to the deceased and held down by a stone; the stone would have been left after the paper blew away.
It is important that children of sufficient age and maturity attend funeral services and burial. If very young children are to attend the funeral, however, parents should arrange to seat them with a babysitter or another responsible adult who will not mind leaving the service if the children are restless or upset. It is recommended that children over the age of eight years old in most cases are capable of attending funeral services and burial, and should do so. The rabbis and cantor should be able to speak with the children before the funeral to explain what they will witness.
Funeral services start on time and one should plan to arrive early. In most cases, one should not expect to greet the family before or after the funeral service, or at the burial. Offer your comfort by visiting the shiva home. Ralph Schugar Chapel will assist in preparing announcements of shiva location and times, as well as providing chairs, prayer books and head coverings. It is appropriate to list organizations to which family and friends might make a contribution as tzedakah (righteous giving) in honor of the deceased.
It is traditional to wear dark colored clothing and conservative attire without being showy. That said some mourners may choose to wear bright colors. This too is a highly personal choice and should be what the family wants and feels comfortable with.
There will be a processional to the gravesite if the funeral was not a graveside ceremony. When possible it is a mitzvah to go to the cemetery and gravesite and participate in the burial itself, and to shovel dirt into the grave with your hands or with a shovel (see above). One tradition is to sprinkle soil from Israel into the grave. As the mourners leave the gravesite they often walk between two rows of those attending the burial. It is customary to say as they pass by you:
“Ha-Makom y’nahem et’chem b’toch sha’ar av’lei Tzion viY’rushalayim.”
Which translates to “May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
This section covers essential steps such as washing hands, sitting shiva, and arranging for a traditional meal following the funeral.
It is customary to wash one’s hands when leaving a cemetery (most Jewish cemeteries have a water fountain at the exit for this purpose – no blessing is said when doing this act), before you enter the shiva home (it is customary for mourners to provide outside the front door of the home a water pitcher, pot and paper towels for people to use before entering), or in your own home if you are not going directly to the shiva home. This custom is based in an old superstition that demons lurk in cemeteries and seek to attach themselves to the living under their fingernails. The water is thus called nagelwasser (literally, “nail-water”). It is also a symbolic washing of tum-ah (ritual impurity caused by contact with the dead) from one’s own body and soul. In modern times, washing one’s hands represents a transition from one state of being to another.
The only thing more painful than enduring grief is enduring grief alone. Traditionally, mourners cover all the mirrors in the house and sit either on low stools (in Ashkenazi tradition) or on the floors or on pillows (Sephardic tradition). Ralph Schugar Chapel has a large supply of folding chairs and a delivery system. Sitting like this symbolizes that the mourner is in low spirits. Mourners often keep a yahrzeit memorial candle burning for the entire week. In addition, it is customary to leave the doors unlocked so that visitors can come and go without disturbing the mourners. Many families also set out a condolence book where visitors can sign in and leave messages. Ralph Schugar provides a Shiva case with everything needed, also including chairs and will deliver to your home.
If you are not certain what to say just be silent. Jewish tradition encourages that visitors remain silent until the mourner speaks first. Allow the mourner the opportunity to express their grief. It is fine to hold their hand to give them a hug. A touch can be more than words. Share your feelings. It is fine to shed tears but it is also fine to laugh. “May their memory be a blessing” is a very traditional condolence.
Many families, including some who are not observing shiva (the traditional seven days of mourning that commence immediately after burial) welcome visitors at the family home after the funeral service for a traditional meal, called a seudat hav’ra-ah (meal of healing). This meal is mostly intended for the mourners, who may feel too saddened to eat if left alone. The community is present and required to provide the food for the mourners, encourage them to take care of their own physical needs and usher mourners into a new stage in their lives. Food is an important part of the Jewish funeral- it is traditional extended family members, synagogue members or friends to arrange the meal. Mourners should not arrange for the food, greet or entertain guests. Many families cater food platters that can include fruit, salad, bagels, sandwiches, pastries and should be easy to serve. Be sensitive to appropriate foods at the home and kosher sensitivities when ordering food. For example, as part of Jewish tradition it is suggested that you not order pork products, shellfish, or platters that contain both meat and cheese together. Serving vegetarian and vegan food is a safe option as is catering Kosher foods.
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